Best ways to scare privileged people

Views 3 | Time to read: 2 minutes | Uploaded: 11 - 7 - 2018 | By: Emily Herbst


It’s spooky season everybody!! I hope you’re ready for a fright… Wondering what to do this Wednesday?? Never fear! The Top Ten Ways to Scare White People are here!!

1) Put their freeway exit under construction! An extra two minutes on the cold hard streets of Santa Barbara?? My dairy-free ice cream might melt before I get home!
2) Take away the alternative milks… Save the vegans who have to get up at 4 am to milk their almonds.
3) Tell them they have to take public transportation. This is good for the environment, your social skills, your wallet, your workaholism and ameliorating your learned superiority… It’s a win-win-win-win-win.
4) Suggest they have privilege (You thought I was going to go on and on about White culture?! You were right). You mean… my pastiness and aquiline features allow me more access to government, lenders, education, housing, health, and capital? That’s just crazy talk!
5) Bring them to a business that takes Cash Only! See: number 4, where anybody can get a credit card!! Why deal in dirty paper when we are thriving in the midst of the digital age? I refuse to buy pastries with anything but imaginary currency!
6) Say “affirmative action.” Let chaos ensue. See also: “reverse racism”
7) Say “White,” in reference to a person. (Objects OK)
8) Suggest that repeating the n-word in songs still has an impact. Your position in society makes this suuuuuuuper demeaning, Chad With the Investment Banker Father.
9) Be not-White. Yep.
10) Tell them what they can or can’t wear as a costume! Is the response to this Freudian? (Looking at you, psych majors) Am I collegiate? Is Barry White? Is Chris Brown? Is Al Green? Are you creating stigma when you play dress-up? (Sociology majors, your turn this time)

Bonus vocabulary! Say “equal opportunity” or “white fragility” or even... “gentrification.” Pair any of these with jumping out of a bush or something.

Happy spooking, everybody!!


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