ATTENTION ALL HORIZON READERS:
The Campus Safety Department has issued a warning: “There are impostors among us.”
The Capstone, which always has your best interests at heart, is implementing guidelines to keep you safe from the impostors lurking around campus. We have compiled the results of years of behavioral research to teach you how to spot them. As you do your homework, attend classes, and complete other tasks, implement these tips to successfully beat the college game — or else.
Impostors appear to be normal students, but most certainly are not. Innocent students have the dark under-eye bags, so if you see someone that looks like they got double-punched in the face and then drew purple-blue sharpie under their eyes, they are innocent.
Innocents have also lost any sort of fashion sense due to enduring years of college stress, so anyone wearing a pair of jeans and a nice shirt is immediately suspicious. Birkenstocks with the tags still on them are an immediate red flag.
If you see any clothing that advertises a student’s high school, know that only impostors actually care about their high school years. Vote them out immediately. Less fashion-forward choices, like a T-shirt and PJs combo, indicate someone is safe. Keep a close eye out, though — the impostors could be learning.
Impostors do not have the same campus knowledge that innocents do. Someone wandering around, looking lost, or holding a campus map while meandering and taking inefficient routes, might be an impostor, or someone with short-term memory loss. Regardless, they should be eliminated. Better safe than sorry.
Eyes are the window to the soul, so if a student has confused and uncertain eyes, is wearing sunglasses or a helmet visor suspiciously — or even has eyes that are too smiley — do not hesitate to eliminate them.
If you are unsure about a specific student, you can call an ‘Emergency Meeting’ and converse with your classmates. Make sure to ask about various Westmont traditions and use Westmont terminology. If anyone asks too many questions or gives suspicious responses, they should be ejected as soon as possible. No impostor has been infiltrating campus long enough to know about asbestos or emergency evacuation procedures.
Impostors can sometimes make mistakes, and in doing so, expose themselves. If you find a student who accidentally locked themselves out of their dorm, make sure to eliminate them as soon as possible, as only impostors make this mistake.
Other fatal mistakes include: proudly wearing a lanyard and dorm key everywhere they go, always wearing Westmont freebies, wearing anything that reads “Class of 2024,” and asking everyone they meet if they are a first-year too.
It may seem difficult to spot impostors while wearing masks and staying six feet apart, but never fear — if you follow Capstone guidelines, you should be able to spot any impostors before it’s too late.