CANDY CULPRITS (10/31/2020)
“Earlier tonight, my husband convinced me to put candy out for the neighborhood children. I put up a clearly marked sign saying that each child could only take one piece of candy. I would like to make it clear that the person who let their children run rambunctiously down the street and take all the candy for themselves will be dealt with. We have a security camera, and are combing through the footage now to find the guilty party. Sharon, I would like you to tell me exactly how much candy your children brought home tonight as a precautionary measure. I will not name any names, but we all know how accustomed your kids are to getting as much sugar as they want. Also, Vikki, I did notice your … interesting harvest decorations. I am only a little worried that the dark and demonic theme surrounding your house may have inspired your little Johnny to steal my candy. I ask that you report his sugar earnings from this evening as well.”
IT WASN’T THE RACCOONS (11/1/2020)
“I have been informed by my husband and some of you that you think it was our local family of raccoons that took the candy, but that simply cannot be the case. Why would a raccoon want candy? And on such a fateful night as Halloween! No, it must have been a child, not the raccoons. I know they have been rooting through Vikki’s trash can for the past two weeks, but they have not bothered me so far. It must be all the ungodly Halloween decorations that attract those little devils to her house. I know the security camera footage seems to show some small creature taking the candy, so it must have been one of her children in costume. If anyone in the neighborhood knows of a small child who was allowed to wander on Saturday wearing a furry animal costume, please inform me.”
THE CANDY STASH FOUND (11/2/2020)
My husband found underneath our porch the candy stash that was stolen from us. It looks like whoever stole the candy ate it all ravenously and shredded the wrappers so much, you can’t even read the labels. Susan, since I believe we all know how your children lack table manners, I would like you to tell me if your little Susie and James have been out of the house a lot lately, though that may be difficult for you to notice, with you being stuck in your office all the time, working. I would ask that you rely on your security system to see if your children have been sneaking out to scarf down all of the candy that I bought to be shared with the community.
Again, it was not the raccoons. It simply could not be raccoons that took the candy! There was one that ran out from under the porch when we found the stash, so it must have been the mess someone’s children left that attracted them to my house. I do not want to receive any more emails about the raccoons, so stop telling me about them.”