Productivitus-22 outbreak, students advised to do nothing

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Ella Jennings

New Productivity Virus Alert!

Katie Sherwood, Capstone Editor

While the Westmont community and our nation at large are still reeling from the COVID-19 pandemic that washed onto our shores, another similar phenomenon is following on its heels. The signs are still early, but we have all learned from our previous ease in handling pandemics the importance of being vigilant and prepared for anything. 

Regardless, we must be wary about too much vigilance, since productivity and clear thinking are the most recognizable symptoms of this new disease. Experts from Westmont’s very own science departments have dubbed the pandemic “Productivitus-22.” In addition, they devised a single spaced 10-page Google Document filled with advice and tips for protecting yourself and those around you from catching Productivitus-22. Unfortunately, soon after releasing this information, these very experts have been put into quarantine since they never could have accomplished all their research without having contracted Productivitus themselves. The latest update on their condition reports them having to be strapped to their hospital beds to prevent them from working themselves raw.

Here at the Capstone we strive to bring the truth to your screens, although we fear giving too much of the expert’s guidance document could result in exposing our viewership to Productivitus. To combat this, we have compiled a shorter list of things you can do to protect yourself and your loved ones from Productivitus-22.

  1. Always sleep in. Even if you have 8:00 a.m. Music Theory with Dr. Butler, getting up that early just isn’t worth it. 
  2. Always “study” in the Page Lounge. Before you know it, you will find friends and fun to distract you from your upcoming exams.
  3. Binge-watch your favorite TV-show the night before and during your midterms.
  4. Go on a quest to find the legendary Bath Tub in Page Hall and have a bubble bath with the homies.
  5. Always give an ear to your inner grumpy perfectionistic critic and wallow in the misery of rewriting a single sentence about 300 times.
  6. Don’t bother scanning in for chapel and then leaving, just don’t make the journey to Murchison Gym.
  7. Never pass by the ping-pong table in Armington without challenging someone to a match.
  8. SparkNote everything. Who wants to actually read the textbooks you spent hundreds of dollars on?
  9. Camp out in the Dining Commons, pretending to do work while actually talking with those that come in and out.
  10. Leave any and all assignments, no matter how small, until the last possible moment. Be sure to act surprised when you get a sub-par grade on said assignments.

Stay safe in the coming weeks, though don’t put too much effort into it.

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