Third wheels for hire!


Annika Britton

Get the third wheel you need today!

Grace Redford, Staff Writer

Are you and your significant other deeply committed to leaving room for Jesus? Do you need someone to fill in awkward silences on your dates?  Are you confused about how dating works at a Christian college? Then look no further! A new student lead initiative, Third Wheels for Hire, has just what you need. Third Wheels for Hire is available seven days a week for whatever dating needs may arise.

Packages are as follows:

Standard Third Wheel: This third wheel will ensure that you are the cutest couple to ever exist; you are soulmates and they will take cute photos for your Instagram to prove it. This third wheel will follow you to the Define the Relationship (DTR) pond, walk behind you on the sidewalk, carry your takeout bags so you can hold hands, and hold up an umbrella for you during Santa Barbara’s annual 10 minute sprinkle. In the dorms, they will watch the door like a hawk to enforce the 45° angle rule. If conversations come to an awkward lull, this third wheel will crack a joke. $15 per hour.

Advanced Third Wheel: The Advanced Third Wheel will provide relationship advice and chime in with anger management tips during arguments*. They will provide a concrete answer when deciding where to go eat and will use psychic powers to decipher what, exactly, is meant by “I don’t care what we do.” This third wheel will sit in the back of the car to ensure there is never a dull moment in your conversation and will sit on the bench next to you no matter how long you decide to make out to remind you to “leave some room for Jesus.”  $20 per hour.

Premium Third Wheel: This third wheel is not just a temporary hire — they will follow you through your entire relationship. They will help pick out engagement rings, be a part of your wedding, and might even move into your basement when you buy your first house together. They will be on call 16 hours a day for those spontaneous trips to Blenders. They will take photos with you so you can prove to your parents that you’re “hanging out with other people.”  They will even play the violin or harp** in the background of your date to set the mood. $30 per hour.

Double Date Special: This person will act as a fifth wheel for a double date, or even a seventh wheel for triple dates. They will provide the same services as a Standard Third Wheel. $35 per hour.

All third wheels are thoroughly vetted to be in a season of singleness and have received basic training in photography, vague one-liner quotes and Biblical studies in Song of Solomon. Services are also available to students who aren’t dating yet, but are too scared to ask their crush out on a one–on–one date.

*Usefulness of advice is not guaranteed.

**Actual musical ability is not guaranteed.

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