A shocking discovery at the DTR pond

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Ella Jennings

On this week’s episode of Westmont Wows…

Ian Lowry, Staff Writer

A discovery made by a team of Westmont biology students has left the campus in a state of disbelief and discomfort. The “Define The Relationship (DTR)” pond is a popular locale for students in relationships to talk about their feelings. However, recent research indicates that the DTR pond may not be as private as students believe. No one is creeping around in the bushes eavesdropping on you and your significant other — but the wildlife within the pond might be.

When we asked the team what prompted them to begin this investigation, the lead researcher replied, “My partner and I were at the pond talking about how amazing our few days together have been, when I got the feeling someone, or something, was watching me. So I started looking around, and there were some fish in the pond staring at us from the water. I’m pretty sure the catfish had something that looked like popcorn.”

“I decided right away to gather a team of biologists from my class and start investigating right away,” the student continued. “We commissioned some engineering students to construct a remote-controlled fish, allowing us to conduct observational experiments. We discovered that the pond critters were, in fact, watching us as if we were actors on a flatscreen TV.”

That’s right, science has confirmed that the animals in the pond tune in every week for a new episode of “The Westmont Wows,” and we are all their beloved stars.

“Honestly, we aren’t sure how long they’ve been watching us, but it’s popular enough that almost every turtle, fish and lily pad shows up to see what drama will unfold. I don’t really blame them. After all, who doesn’t like to stay updated on the latest juicy gossip?”

While most people are now wary of discussing their relationships at the pond, the drama department has taken advantage of this opportunity to rehearse in front of an audience. “Fish, being generally emotionless, make a perfect non-judgmental audience for a theatrical performance. It’s kind of like reading an essay out loud to your dog,” one theater student noted. 

“Nothing makes me feel better than the appreciation coming from those beady, soulless eyes,” the student continued. “Their unwavering attention makes me feel good about myself.” 

Other students don’t share the same sentiment. “They’re watching me?” one student shared with us. Another student posted their complaints on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook: “I don’t want my private conversations to be seen or heard by others.”

President Beebe came out with a press conference yesterday to address the findings made by the team. “If it makes any of you uncomfortable with the fact we are being watched by fish, just remember that God is always watching us, and I’m sure he’s just as enthralled by our antics in Heaven. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have fish to entertain!” he said before running offstage towards the DTR pond with Shakespeare in his hands.

Whether you’ve embraced our eavesdropping friends or not, it looks like the tradition of the DTR pond is coming to an end, usurped by nervous theater majors and melodramatic readings of Hamlet by unnamed faculty members.

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