Inside Westmont’s campaign to join the Ivy League

New+bronze+statue+of+Henri+to+be+erected%3B+legend+is+quickly+spreading+about+rubbing+his+lucky+snout.

Ella Jennings

New bronze statue of Henri to be erected; legend is quickly spreading about rubbing his lucky snout.

Grace Redford, Staff Writer

At long last, Westmont’s administration has decided the time has come to join the ranks of the Ivy Leagues. After 62 years of raising little evangelistic scholarly warriors, the administration is convinced that this is the next step in Westmont’s maturity.

“This is exactly what Ruth Kerr would have wanted,” Dr. Beebe said during a joint press conference with new provost Dr. Kim Denu.

Dr. Beebe reported that Westmont is in the process of the most important step: blanketing every building on campus with ivy. From the top floor of Page Hall to the Murchison Gym, every wall will be covered in several layers of vines. Also, as an experimental security precaution, poison ivy will be planted along the perimeter to ensure visitors enter through the gates and our soon-to-open kiosks.

“We already have a Latin motto,” Dr. Denu stated. “And to further mimic other Ivy League campuses, Westmont will be installing a statue of Ruth Kerr in the quad. Oh wait — we don’t have a quad. We’ll need to get one of those.” 

Further efforts include erecting a 70 foot bell tower on campus. “With Santa Barbara’s relaxed building codes, it’ll be a breeze,” Dr. Denu stated.

Some are quick to point out that all the Ivies are located on the East Coast, but Dr. Beebe says this isn’t an issue. “With recent alumni donations, we can easily airlift the campus across the country. After all, why stay in beautiful, sunny Montecito when we could be battling the brutal winters of New Hampshire?”

Shortly after this press conference, Westmont leadership participated in an interview with an Ivy League spokesperson to determine Westmont’s eligibility.

“Was Westmont founded in the colonial era?” the spokesperson asked. 

“No.” Dr. Beebe reluctantly replied. 

“Are your buildings so old they’re crumbling at the foundation, but you refuse to rebuild them out of tradition?”

“No.” Dr. Denu admitted with a sigh.

“Does the entire nation have an unhealthy obsession with your college?”

“No.”

“Most importantly, do you make it your mission to send thousands of rejection letters to high school seniors across the world?”

“No.”

Upon these revelations, the spokesperson politely informed Westmont’s leadership that the Ivy League actually refers to an athletic conference established in the mid–1900s. “It’s a few decades too late to join,” the spokesperson explained.

“Fine” Dr. Beebe finally said, rolling his eyes. “If we can’t join the Ivies, we’ll just become the next Stanford. All we need is for a few students to drop out, begin some startup companies with questionable ethics, get swamped by lawsuits and get a whole documentary show about the scandal! Easy!”

Whether well-founded or not, President Beebe has high hopes for Westmont. 

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