Westmont’s top 10 horrors

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Ella Jennings

Your mom is calling again to ask why you aren’t engaged yet!

Ian Lowry, Staff Writer

As we inch closer to Halloween and further from the start of the school year, new students are just beginning to understand certain people, places and behaviors seen around campus. We’ve compiled a list of the spookiest things on campus so that students can enjoy their fall season knowing what’s most likely to go bump in the night. 

  1. Midterms: These large grade portions occupy an even larger percentage of a student’s stress levels. Do I know everything? What am I forgetting? Answer: You’ll always forget something. It’s as if the midterm is a hockey-mask-wearing lunatic, while you’re the dumb blonde that trips on nothing and is forced to watch him slowly walk at you with his harsh grading scale. Got to watch out for those invisible tree roots.
  2. Define the Relationship (DTR) pond: Out of every horror movie I’ve ever watched, nothing scares me like that movie with the Vampire and Werewolf fighting over a woman. The two by themselves? Awesome. But when the two start fighting over a woman, it always makes me cover my eyes in fear of what I’m watching. That’s what visiting the DTR pond is like anytime of the year. Ew!
  3. Your mom: No, this is not a ‘your mom’ joke! Hardly anything is scarier than being forced to talk to your parents every week. Mothers will always call just to check up on their little babies, but sometimes an hour-long call will get in the way of the hard work you aren’t doing anyways. It’s like walking into the basement in a horror movie to see why the lights mysteriously went out, it’s just not a good idea.
  4. Procrastination: Speaking of things you aren’t doing anyway, procrastination is pretty terrifying to any Westmont student. Like that demon that haunts people’s dreams, the assignment you remember that you have 20 minutes to complete at 11:40 at night will always rear its ugly head and drag its knife-like claws along the walls as you continue to ignore it.
  5. The shower: What do Alfred Hitchcock and the showers have in common? Both make anything scary! But as good as Alfred Hitchcock is at making simple tasks freaky, he is still outclassed by the showers. The feeling that anyone can take your towel and leave you alone and exposed … it’s no wonder that Hitchcock took inspiration from how scary showers can be with Norman Bates Motel.
  6. Walking late into chapel: You know that moment when you walk into your grandmother’s room and see all the little porcelain dolls stare into your soul? That’s what walking into chapel late feels like. But instead of being silent, creepy dolls, they’re all praising the Lord while beaming a hole in the back of your head. It could be worse though, “Amazing Grace” is better than “One, Two, Buckle My Shoe” in this scenario. 
  7. Faculty Hill: The source of all student woes crouches atop this hill, casting its shadow over all of campus. They may not be creepy in a classical sense, but they sure are kooky. Beware if you receive any suspicious invitations to visit a faculty home on a dark stormy night. They might offer a needle, thread and a couple of buttons to bring you into the Westmont family!
  8. Lizards: Cold-blooded reptiles scare even the bravest of people. And when they jump around, it’s just petrifying. Maybe we’ve seen too many movies but when a thing leaps around like that, it’s only a matter of time before it latches onto someone’s face and Sigourney Weaver has to fight Xenomorphs. We’ll pass on that, thank you.
  9. Nature walks: On the topic of “Alien,” we might as well stick with the nature theme and talk about the nature trails. As I’m sure Arnold Schwarzenegger will agree that there’s something stalking the jungles around Westmont. From the Hot Springs to the Paul Willis trail, talks of a big creature with invisibility, three laser pointers, and mandibles stalking the squirrels have been surfacing. Unfortunately, there’s no choppa for those squirrels to get to, or us as students for that matter. 
  10.  College Life: Disregarding everything else on this list, college life itself is an endeavor to go through. Everyone that inspired us to get into college is like a certain clown in a sewer grate with his red balloons. We came here under the pretense that we’d float too, but now we’re all facing our worst fears and sinking into debt. Those clowns lied to us big time. 

We hope that once Halloween passes these parts of Westmont will pass with it. Unfortunately, these items on this list are like zombies and will keep coming back from the grave, so don’t get your hopes up. Your best option is just to dress up and be scarier than everything here. Or just be yourself, preferably having just rolled out of bed at 7:55 for your 8 a.m. — that’s pretty scary already.

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