Conspiracy theories 101: Rival Christian colleges

The+parking+ticket+conspiracy%3A+other+colleges+are+making+it+rain+in+Montecito.

Claudia Hernandez

The parking ticket conspiracy: other colleges are making it rain in Montecito.

Grace Redford, Staff Writer

Ever wonder why the campus is so dark at night? Does Montecito seem a little too pretty to be true? Why does everyone disappear every time a club event happens? Well, in an age where conspiracy theories run rampant, Westmont’s ever-so-trendy student body has stayed on beat, discovering conspiracies of their own to explain mysterious mishaps on campus.

An anonymous student from the even more anonymous Westmont Conspiracy Theories Club (or WCTC, which may or may not be a real club) provided the following information:

The Mansion Hoax: Do you feel like a peasant every time you drive past Montecito’s beautiful beachside mansions? Well, it’s a façade. All of it. It’s believed Biola students raid movie sets down in L.A. for the fake homes and reassemble them here in Montecito. All to make us Westmont students feel bad about our skinny wallets and tiny dorms. And the colorful, sprawling gardens? Also fake. There’s just no way that many plants could grow in good ol’ drought-ridden California. That’s why they keep cutting down trees and swaths of the plants, because they know WCTC is onto them.

Counterfeit Parking Tickets: Curious as to who, exactly, is handing out parking tickets with lightning speed? Word on the street has it that Master’s University students don campus security shirts, hide in the bushes next to parking lots, and wait until a car without a permit parks there. The moment the driver is out of sight – bam! They slap a ticket on the windshield and move on to the next one, using their highly-developed martial arts skills to stay hidden.

The Hill Hoax: Are you convinced that someone is making the hills steeper, bit by bit? Well, you’re not just paranoid. Rumor has it that Vanguard has developed some sort of [seismic] technology that can actually shift the elevation of campus. Inch by inch, the climb to and from the DC really is getting harder. Some speculate that this effort is to tire out our sports teams, while others think Vanguard will keep going until Westmont’s campus is vertical.

Phony Street Lights: Do you feel like Westmont transforms into a black hole every night? You may have been told this is due to city regulations on light pollution, but that’s just a coverup. The truth is that Pepperdine students sneak over every night and dim every light, path by path, just to make sure we stumble around and lose our homework into the abyss.

Where’s Westmont?: Does everyone on campus seem to disappear every time an event is planned, so that the one person who decides to show up feels too awkward to stay? Call WCTC crazy, but Point Loma Nazarene University swoops in and actually kidnaps students during club or WAC events. It’s unknown how they pull this one off, but it’s thought they wipe students’ memories and return them to campus exactly as events end to avoid suspicion. In fact, if you want the DC, lounge or any other building all to yourself, just plan an event there and Point Loma students will temporarily remove everyone from campus, giving you two blissful hours to yourself.

Some question how these students find transportation to Westmont every night. As rumor has it, Pepperdine students actually row their way up the coast under the cover of darkness, sometimes braving dangerous wind conditions, ice and the odd superyacht. Since Point Loma students have a longer trek, they’ve invested in jetskis to make the journey. Biola, meanwhile, in an effort to improve its rankings, has its cross country team hoist students onto canoes and then run said canoes up to Westmont.

“We have some more theories in development,” a member of WCTC added. “Like, the crows all over campus? Definitely robots. There’s no way real crows could get that big.” The student lowered his voice to a whisper. “They listen to us all day long, monitoring our conversations. We think they were sent here by California Baptist University (CBU), but it could also be Azusa Pacific.”

“Oh yeah, and those oil rigs that never move?” added another club member. “No one knows exactly what they’re for, but they for sure belong to Chapman University.”

“But . . . why?” a Horizon reporter asked.

The President of WCTC glanced around nervously. “They want Beebe,” she whispered. “They’re all jealous and want him as their president. They think that if they get on everyone’s nerves, Beebe will get fed up and quit. And then they’ll swoop in with a shiny new job opening.”

“Ah . . .  okay,” the reporter replied.

“Laugh all you want, but the evidence is there. Some of it, at least.”

Additionally theories include suspicions of CBU actually rearranging Clark buildings to ensure students get lost, as well as William Jessup putting random fines and fees up on student billing accounts.

Horizon does not endorse any of these claims . . . but we’re not saying they’re not true either . . .

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