Yelp Reviews of the Horizon

Jalin Coert, Leaves Yelp Reviews of Yelp Reviews on Yelp

I have always been a dedicated Yelp reader. There’s nothing quite like settling into bed with a hot cup of tea and browsing through extremely accurate and fair reviews of shops, restaurants, parks, and even countries. One evening, as I was preparing to unwind with a daily dose of totally warranted opinions from random individuals who were given the power to dictate the “star value” of whatever their little fingers can type out, I stumbled across the following reviews of The Horizon which are very, very real. 

NEWS 

3/5 Stars

“If staying up-to-date on important events is your thing, definitely the section to turn to, but they don’t include doodles to help the less-than adequate readers, so that’s a bummer.” – @hardcore_Dr.Seuss_reader

OP/ED 

1/5 Stars

“I turned to the Op/Ed section expecting it to be filled with my own opinions as the title suggested. I was very disappointed to find that other people don’t have the same opinions as me. Due to the shock of it all, I had to be admitted to the hospital for a nervous breakdown. I will be sending the editor my medical bills as payment for damages.” – @RealHousewivesofWestmontCollege

FEATURES 

4/5 Stars

“I definitely only read The Horizon for the Features section because I definitely know exactly what it is.” – @definitelyeveryone 

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

2/5 Stars

“I accidentally discovered this section of The Horizon when the paper fell off my desk and fell open to an article about how clay sculptures are ‘the newest vessel of practical joy and incomplete sadness’ … I have absolutely no idea what that means. Art confuses and scares me.” – @everySTEMmajorever

SPORTS 

3/5 Stars

“I found out that Westmont actually has a pretty great athletic department because of this section. I honestly did not know that the school had one before I read about it. Suddenly the baseball field and track make a lot more sense … I guess my ex-girlfriend really was at practice. Oops.” – @singleandreadytomingle

STUDENTS

3/5 Stars

“Sometimes, when I want to hear about other people’s lives I turn to the Students articles and skim over the stories. They’re okay.” – @scarlettbutler

HYSTERICS

4/5 Stars

“Hysterical.” – @hysteria

CAPSTONE

5/5 Stars

“Shining glory of The Horizon.” – @A.A.RonSizer

“Absolutely breathtaking genius.” – @JaylenCourt

“The obvious gem of the newspaper.” – @TheHorizon’sEditor_In_Chief

“It’s so beautiful, it will make you cry.” – @HollyBeersNT4EVR

“Better than sheep.” – @Scott_Lisea