Toilet Paper Terrorism

Soren Walker, Toilet Paper Expert

(Alyssa Beccue)

Dwight Shrute, in response to the use of two-ply toilet paper, once said, “Don’t get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.” Well, Dwight, you are an “ignorant slut,” because my anus is coddled and I firmly believe that single-ply toilet paper should be illegal. For Westmont to charge students over $60,000 a year and simultaneously supply them with such crappy toilet paper (pun intended) is a gosh-darn travesty. No longer should we be allowing this criminal behavior on our Christian campus. Single-ply may as well be a crime, and it is time for us to come together as a community and take a stand.

To those that believe these grievances are simply one man’s humble opinion, I can happily say that I am not alone. This is a real sentiment shared by many others on campus, as most people don’t like to risk tearing themselves in half every time they attempt to use the amenities. “They might as well be supplying us with sandpaper. Honestly, that might be more comfortable,” says freshmen Cormac Werner. Emerson RA Ethan Elisara chimed in with, “When God created the ten commandments, I think the only reason he omitted the distritibution and use of single-ply toilet paper was because he never figured that humans would be that dumb. The day we go down to half-ply is the day Jesus returns, for humanity will have truly hit its darkest point.” Well said Ethan, well said.

The question now becomes, what can we do to stop this atrocity? It may seem hard to get in touch with the administration, as anyone who has tried to get a parking permit can confirm. First-world problems require first-world solutions, so let’s try what Westmont students seem to be best at: complaining. We need to write emails and letters explaining our plight, but we need to make sure that these messages are not overlooked. To ensure we are seen, we should be prepared  to go full Trojan horse with our emails. Try entering your subject headings as “NEW IDEA FOR CHAPEL ON DIVERSITY” and other things along this line so that staff members are mandated to open them. Ask the staff to try using single-ply in their homes and see how long they can cope. If all else fails, we must be prepared to protest in Kerrwood. Toilet paper terrorism ends now.