Definitely Not a COVID-19 related news report

Jalin Coert, An Introvert Thriving in Self-Isolation

During this time of toilet paper hoarding, no handshakes, and endless take out, the news has been nothing but “Coronavirus this” and “Coronavirus that.” Not to say that these updates aren’t important (wash your hands, kids), but I for one could use a refreshing news report that doesn’t mention the global pandemic once. So let’s get to it. 

Starbucks recently closed thousands of their locations’ doors for the next two weeks, but fear not, because you can still access your coconut milk matcha macchiato with an extra shot of basic using their drive-thrus, which will remain open. The reason for this dramatic change in business? Who knows!

Grocery stores have been implementing new hours in order to stay on top of stocking shelves, and several have started looking for new hires in order to accommodate this need. A major need for toilet paper has also increased, as well as hand sanitizer, soap, batteries, freezer-friendly food items, and the board game “Pandemic.” 

Thousands of individuals have been sent home from work due to state-wide orders that rhyme with “Felter in ome.” How are people managing this unexpected time off? Well, I for one have started knitting coasters, catching up on home projects, and practicing my karaoke skills for invisible audiences. Perfectly normal. 

Idris Elba has recently praised Tom Hanks for going to the doctor and relaying his results to the general public — a sentence that I never thought I would be typing; Her Majesty the Queen made a sudden decision to cancel the Changing of the Guards ceremony in order to reduce tourism; and several cruise ships have been unable to dock in harbors due to some plague spreading across the decks — I guess seasickness is just that severe nowadays. 

In regards to our Westmont community, there’s been a few recent developments that I thought I should update you all on in case you missed it. All classes have been moved online for the remainder of the semester, students have been asked to leave campus and head home as soon as possible, commencement has been postponed, and during a college-wide conference call President Beebe very seriously denied seniors and juniors from a completely real request for a reward for continuing to pursue their education despite three consecutive years of evacuations from campus. The completely legitimate inquiry was sent in by an anonymous member of the Westmont community, but I’m sure that they would want seniors and juniors to know that they deserve at least a medal, or a hamster, for their perseverance throughout the last few years. 

Until next week, that’s it for your refreshing news update that’s definitely not related to COVID-19 in any way, shape, or form. Stay safe, stay healthy, and please maintain at least six feet away from others even after this pandemic is over. It’s called manners.