‘Tis the season

Rachel Patz, Capstone Writer

Saturday was Halloween — the time of scary onesies, too much candy, and even more spiders crawling around campus than usual. The spooky holiday is behind us now, quickly fading in the rearview mirror, which gives rise to a frightening warning that must not be ignored: you are extremely behind in preparing for Christmas.

Don’t complain about the wire reindeer and Christmas wreaths displayed in stores some time around the Fourth of July. It is useless to dilly-dally while other people get a head start on their gift lists. Anyone who knows anything will be able to tell you that preparing a good, old-fashioned holiday jollification requires an abundant amount of planning and preparation. Hustle and bustle is simply the reality of this situation, so it makes perfect sense for stores to carry Christmas decorations from May through December.

In light of this fact, it is time to start considering how you will celebrate the festivities. Remember, there is no life hack that will help you get caught up if you fall behind, so the time to act is now. Whip out a pen and notebook and start organizing the list of subpar Christmas movies you will watch this year.

As you begin considering the best method of sneaking a fully decorated Christmas tree into your dorm, avoid any distractions that might come your way by staying informed about a strange phenomenon that has been taking place recently.

You may see and hear some peculiar people speaking of a mysterious holiday, called something along the lines of “Tank’s Living.” Additionally, there might be a sudden influx of turkeys around this time of year, and you may overhear a select handful of people speaking of a mysterious dish known as “stuffing.” However, you should not allow these absurd, insignificant diversions to sidetrack you from your Christmas arrangements.

To be perfectly clear, there is no major holiday to be found anywhere in November, and anyone who says otherwise is merely entertaining a fantasy for their own amusement. While there are rumors that such a holiday existed some time in the past; in the present day, Halloween fades directly into Christmas with no interlude. 

In light of this fact, start blasting those Christmas songs and get ready for Santa. The simple truth of the matter is, by Nov. 1, you should already have the majority of your Christmas plans organized. American stores have been fully stocked with Christmas supplies since shortly after Easter, so really, there is no excuse for lingering. 

Granted, if you are not doing any entertaining yourself, it is easy to laugh at those who are, but when you waltz into someone’s perfectly decorated house on Dec. 24, complete with presents under the tree, just remember that someone had to do the legwork in order to ensure that everything looked spic-and-span for your enjoyment, and you should be woke enough to notice.

So as you put away your Halloween costume, think of your coziest Christmas memories. If you aspire to even a fraction of the holiday warmth and cheer those recollections evoke, the best time to start planning for Christmas is … yesterday.