Let’s do the time warp again

Rachel Patz, Capstone Writer

March has been a long month this year. Of course, March always seems to drag out for longer than it should, so this will likely come as no surprise. In light of recent worldwide events, however, a popular conspiracy theory has been proven true: we have become stuck in a time loop. 

Some readers might be resistant to this idea, but the evidence in favor of a perpetual March is overwhelming. Beginning in early March, major news outlets have been continually cycling through iterations of the exact same story — we all know the media never indulges in such mundanity under normal circumstances. Just like 40 weeks ago on March 1st, stores continue to run out of certain everyday necessities, such as sodas and toilet paper. Despite the year rapidly drawing to a close, March has been stuck, and nothing has been able to shake it loose. 

Up until very recently, a rumor was circulating that the time warp was loosening, with hopes of December sneaking back onto the calendar before the inauguration of 2021. I, like many, even allowed myself to entertain thoughts of hosting my annual Christmas movie marathon in person.

Authorities on the subject have released an official statement saying that March will continue indefinitely until some mysterious, completely unheard-of disease called COVID-19 has died out. As will be obvious to anyone reading this article, this report is absolute balderdash. 

I personally investigated and discovered that not a single student on campus has even heard of such a disease. It is clearly an effort on behalf of the government to keep American citizens calm amid the alarming reality of being stuck in a time loop. 

It is time, however, to abandon such fantasies and face reality. The time warp is not going away any time soon. 

In light of this fact, I would like to remind readers to stay calm. There are plenty of things to keep us occupied as we settle in and wait for the time warp to loosen. Some ideas that I have taken advantage of include learning the violin, weaving baskets, and discovering how to stuff feather pillows. I tried these ideas over Thanksgiving break — held this year during the 39th week of March — and I can assure you, they serve as wonderful familial bonding opportunities!

While the most current news regarding the time warp is no doubt distressing, I urge you all to try not to worry. Stay busy, stay safe, and do not put pressure on yourselves to keep up with the news. Your trusty, highly credible Capstone team will keep you updated on all important events as we move into the 40th week of March 2020.

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