How to impress your Westmont Wow with some cool skateboard tricks

These+tricks+are+clearly+working+out+for+this+pro+skater.

Charlotte Westburg

These tricks are clearly working out for this pro skater.

Molly Rapske, Capstone Writer

With the start of the semester comes the added pressure of Ring by Spring. Unquestionably, dear reader, you are hoping to wed by the end of the semester, or else face the wrath of your parents, God and President Beebe himself. Look no further! Follow these tips to attract the attention of your Westmont Wow using the most effective pheromone known to humankind: cool skateboard tricks.

1. The Strawberry Milkshake. Normally, one performs this trick by stepping on the edge of the board, flipping it around one’s ankle, and ending the trick standing up. This special Westmont version, however, is a little more complicated. Between stepping on the board and flipping it around your leg, you must create a portal to the center of the earth, where you will surely find an available Westmont student to wed before spring.

 

“But, Capstone,” you protest. “This trick is impossible! I opened the portal, but there weren’t any single Westmont students!”

Didn’t work? Try this next one instead.

 

2. The second trick involves hopping on your board. Make sure you have lots of people watching you.

Place your board about six inches away from your feet and calm your nerves. Remember, you must commit to the trick in order to perform it well. Imagine that your feet are a pair of springs. Close your eyes for a moment and then open them. Let the subtle aroma of the skateboard and the Clark Parking Lot asphalt wash over your senses. Bend your knees slightly and then, gently, hop onto the board.

 

It’s as easy as that. With a little practice, you will surely have potential spouses fainting at your spring-like feet.

 

3. Skateboard hat. That’s it. Make of it what you will.

4. This “trick” is less of a trick than it is a certain attitude of being. All you need is a skateboard, a funky outfit, and a positive mindset. Simply sit on one of the many benches located on campus and sing any verse from Katy Perry’s masterpiece “California Gurls.” Your unwed peers will surely flock to you like moths to a flame, or, perhaps, students to teriyaki chicken in the DC.

5. For our final trick, you must don a very special outfit and channel your fear into iron-like willpower. Prepare by taking a long rosewater bath in the upstairs bathroom in Page Hall. It MUST be the bathtub in Page Hall. No deviations are allowed.

Once you have finished, wait until it is dark out and clothe yourself in a Travis Scott t-shirt and a Westmont essential — Birkenstocks. Grab your board, and head out towards the hill below Page. As you walk, you will surely gather a crowd of onlookers. Confidently strut towards the top of the hill, and get a running start. Plant your feet firmly on your board. As the crowd cheers, disappear into the darkness. What happens next? One can only imagine.

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