Post-Valentine’s day therapy

Katie Sherwood, Capstone Writer

Are you single?

Are you dissatisfied being single?

Did you eat an ungodly amount of cheap, cardboard-tasting chocolate yesterday?

Or did you spend the day not single, but obligated to hang out with someone you cannot stand?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, you might find Dr. Cupid’s one-on-one therapy session useful. For those who are alone and wish they weren’t, or those who weren’t and wish they were, Dr. Cupid can save your love life or end it — whatever you desire.

For anyone interested, please take a slip of paper with Dr. Cupid’s personal number and text or call to set up an appointment. You’ll know when Dr. Cupid is ready for you when you wake up to find a golden arrow with a time and date inscribed on the shaft pierced into your heart. Gingerly pluck the arrow out of your chest to confirm the appointment.

Dr. Cupid’s sessions are often held in fancy restaurants or as sunset walks along the pier, so dress accordingly. You must wear red or pink or his treatment will not be effective. An especially warm purple can be a satisfactory substitute. Don’t mind Dr. Cupid’s large feathered wings, childlike appearance, or frightening bow and quiver — the only thing you should be afraid of is the sorry state of your love life. You may have to eat outside, however, as most establishments, regretfully, do not allow weapons. 

Vent your frustrations to Dr. Cupid over a candelit dinner. Snack on delectable Hershey’s kisses. After a session with Dr. Cupid, even the most cardboard-esque chocolate will taste like Godiva. Dr. Cupid always puts patients first, bringing you flowers, paying for dinner, etc. You may find that with the doctor’s help, you’ll never feel Valentine’s Day woes again.

Dr. Cupid guarantees that your post-Valentine’s day feelings are safe in his capable hands. If you need a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, or a friend to listen to all of your problems, Dr. Cupid is the therapist for you! 

Just take a number, and be ready for your love life to be rekindled! Or not. 

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