Spring break has, unfortunately, come to a close, and we students find ourselves afflicted once again with schedules full of Zoom classes. Since being distracted in class is infinitely more fun than actually learning things, and the 60k a year we pay to attend this institution means nothing, here are better ways to spend those precious Zoom class hours without getting caught by your professors.

1. Cut little mustaches out of Post-it notes and stick them to the screen over your classmates’ faces. Instant hilarity. Bonus points if someone already has a mustache.
2. Purchase a life-sized cardboard cut-out of yourself to attend Zoom class in your place. No one will ever know the difference. If called upon to answer a question, don’t worry, silence speaks volumes!
3. If you do get called on and your cardboard cut-out is out of reach, mouth the words of your answer so it looks like you have mic issues. This strategy works better if your roommate is making sounds in the background so your professor thinks your audio is transmitting static.
4. Imagine that the Zoom class is actually a movie and your dorm room is a theater. Grab some popcorn. Put on a pair of 3-D glasses. Spill some soda on the floor. The voices you hear aren’t real. Neither are your assignments.
5. Simply close your laptop and pretend spring break never ended. Go to the beach and step into the water. Let the ocean waves wash over you. Cs get degrees, and you get sea breeze.

Implementing these five strategies will ensure the ideal Zoom class experience. The Capstone is not responsible for any negative consequences of the actions described in this article and by reading you waive your right to sue in the event that adverse circumstances arise as a result of these guidelines. (We can, however, be bribed with pictures of Henri Nouwen if you need someone to cover for you in Zoom class).