If you can read this, you need to wake up!

Katie Sherwood, Capstone Writer

If you can read this, that means this new technology has finally worked! You have been in a coma for the past year and you need to wake up. This medical breakthrough has allowed doctors to peer into the fever dream your brain has concocted; to wake up, you need to realize that the events you think you have been experiencing this past year have not been real.

Wake up, Westmont! (Ella Jennings)

The translation from brainwave to text is a little sloppy, but it seems that you think there is some sort of world-wide pepperoni, or panini, or maybe a pandemonium going on, trapping everyone in their homes and shutting down all businesses indefinitely. We understand this delusion may seem very real — even frightening — but we need you to remain calm. The global pandora (?) has also apparently forced the entire world to wear a type of mouth-gag-mask when they step outside, if anyone is even allowed to step outside. 

In order to wake up, you need to follow our directions very carefully and do everything we say. It may seem awkward and strange, but it really is the only way to convince your subconscious brain that nothing you see you around nor the events from the past year are real. 

First, throw away all of your masks. Never wear them, don’t even keep any on your person. The more you follow along and pretend like the world-wide peacock (?) is a true threat, the more you convince your mind of its reality. Go outside, yell at powerless cashiers about store policies they have no power to change, and try your best to break whatever six-foot bubbles the governments have put around each person. 

Second, tell your friends and family, and everyone you come across, in fact, that you know this whole Corona-craft-beer-parmesan is a hoax. If both of these do not work, turn to social media. Get on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tinder, even, and tell the world what you know. By forcing the world around you to realize that nothing the so-called “scientists” are saying is true, you can force your subconscious to come to terms with that fact and finally wake up. 

This really is urgent and we hope this message went through. Your family and friends here in the real world miss you, so destroy the world you see now as quickly as you can. 

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