Creepin’ it real: Hallowe’en and this weekend

Ashton Kelly, Helpful Email Writer

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Every year at Westmont our beloved Vice President of Student Life sends out a riveting email warning Westmont students against attending the hedonistic UCSB Hallowe’en revelries. As a humble servant of our student body I thought I might draft an email to make the demanding job of sending out the exact same email every year a little easier, and a little more exciting.

 

Dear Westmont Students,

When I tell people in the Santa Barbara community that I work at Westmont, their typical response is something like, “Oh, those students are so terrific! I’ve never seen students support local businesses more through their coffee and kombucha purchases.” I am always proud of you and your support of the Santa Barbara community when I hear those words. Of course, we are more than just the good people that others believe we are, we’re the great people that others don’t realize we are. By being Christians and flaunting our Christianity, people tend to think we’re all very wise and humble. Thank you for making sure that the Westmont facade always stays up.

That said, Hallowe’en is a time when we need to be especially careful about making sure Westmont looks good when compared to UCSB. We in student life want to make sure you understand this point by showing you a letter attached below from “UCSB itself” to deter you from visiting Isla Vista on Hallowe’en. We understand that you’re all adults and your decisions are your own, but we just want to make sure to guilt you into not making your own decisions and instead only doing things of which we approve.

I encourage you to participate in some good clean fun by instead parading around faculty housing Hallowe’en night, pretending you’re 10 years old again. The only difference is, this time you’re not with your parents and can eat all the candy you receive as you walk from house to house. It’s a great time and professors love seeing students as they show off their detailed costumes, proving that students really don’t care about classes and instead only want to spend time on useless activities.

Thanks for making our community a fun and safe place that honors people and honors Christ.