Crow column: How to befriend your local crow


Lillian Robinson

Eager student attempts to befriend local crows

Katie Sherwood, Capstone Editor

There’s an underappreciated population on campus that has been attending Westmont for generations. This group is cheery and mischievous and loves to hang out at the DC outdoor tables or converse energetically in the Kerrwood gardens. The members of the group are normally a bit shy, but have been known to accept newcomers into their flock with great enthusiasm. Rather, they welcome newcomers into their murder, as these are the beloved crows on Westmont’s campus! 

Often confused with their larger cousins, ravens, these trickster birds have a secret: they get lonely. You can listen to them gossip all day, but often they caw the same things over and over. There just isn’t enough drama on campus for them to talk about.

The crows deeply desire connection with their eccentric human neighbors, and many humans are curious about these strange birds. To address both of these yearnings, all you have to do is offer a hand in friendship and soon you will have your own crow army at your beck and call!

The first step is to approach the crow. The best way to do this is by isolating just one crow. This prevents him or her from being egged on by its bird friends to reject your show of goodwill. You also want to make sure you have an offering, like a solid gold Rolex watch or a Hershey’s Kiss foil wrapper. The shinier, the better!

The next step in this ancient befriending ritual is mimicry. You must show the crow you are making an effort by mimicking their caws and the way they prance and hop around. For best results, dress in black from head to toe. However, even with the monochrome ensemble, make sure to preserve your sense of fashion. The crows generally appreciate a classic top hat and black gloves, though a black cat onesie will suffice. Whatever you do, don’t wear any feathers. The crows find it offensive. 

Finally, repeat! Make sure to corner the same bird a few times over a few days and bring a new offering and mimicry dance! Once the bird joins you in the dance, you will have succeeded. Now, just wait for that bird to spread the word that you are a cool human to the rest of the crow club. Gossip spreads fast amongst them, so it shouldn’t take long. 

Now that you have your new friends, you must, and I repeat, MUST commit to the black. The translation is unclear, but local Santa Barbara crow whisperers have managed to glean that if the crows ever see you in any shade lighter than a dark grey, they will believe you have betrayed them and/or that you have been replaced by an evil twin. Either way, the crows will attack.

Moreover, if you didn’t know this already, crows never let go of grudges. They also memorize faces, so changing your appearance will not dissuade them. There have been no reported accounts of someone regaining the favor of a crow murder after breaking this rule, so it is reasonable to assume that betrayers will never be forgiven. 

Aside from the rule about your new fashion, there are a lot of benefits to having crow friends! They will shower you with trinkets and trash from the immediate area. Most treasures they bring will be shiny wrappers, but they have been known to find valuable items. One lucky person posted online about one of their crows finding the diamond earring Kim Kardashian lost in the ocean.

If you manage to complete the ritual, congratulations! Now you have a murder wrapped around your finger!

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