What your water bottle says about you

Shaun Underwood, Staff Writer

Innovation: The drive to keep pushing forward, to find the next best thing, to uncover the secrets to the universe. 

But what can unlock the secrets within? While Enneagrams took the world by storm, a new, exciting and even more insightful personality test has arrived: your water bottle. Water Bottles are where it’s at now. Everyone has one, but not everyone realizes it defines their personality. 

Hydro Flask: 

If you carry a Hydro Flask, you’re all about the image. You’re charismatic, refined, ambitious and you never run out of energy. You take life by the reins to achieve your highest goals. You also push others to be their best selves. Sipping from a Hydro Flask means you aim to look and achieve your best, whatever that means to you. 

Thermo Flask:

On the other end of the flask spectrum, Thermo Flask users are individualists. Beholders of Thermo Flasks can be self-absorbed or believe they are better than Hydro Flaskers. Thermo Flasks are less expensive, they seek attention and express the user’s dramatic side. If you use a Thermo Flask, your bottle’s sensitive interior reveals your withdrawn nature. You might rely on material objects to differentiate yourself from others. Oh, and you probably use an Android, too. 

Nalgene:

Nalgene users exude a sense of sensibility. It’s not just the reasonable price, it’s the purposeful morality that comes with it. If you drink from a Nalgene, your values push you to live your ideal life. You have stoic poise. You’re no Jesus, but you still persist in doing good to reach some ideal of perfection and exert it upon the world. 

Yeti:

Yetis brave the snowy tundra of life, much like their very-real-and-totally-not-fake-namesake. If you use a Yeti, you never stop moving. You hop from one task to another. You think well on your feet, taking in all your surroundings and analyzing information to produce results. You tend to be enthusiastic … occasionally too enthusiastic. You might feel burnt out from all that energy, but you keep chasing freedom and living life to its fullest. 

Takeya:

Easy-going is the name of the game with Takeya. If you use a Takeya, your relaxed and contented nature makes you a strong support for your peers. Your supportive personality stems from your desire to see harmony in the world. You try to resolve conflict, keep friendships together and create an aura of peace around you. 

Plastic:

Please stop hurting the environment. Buy a water bottle, and only then will you earn a place in this all-encompassing, super-duper-perfect, completely accurate personality descriptor.

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